:: here's the face of everything that breaks you down ::

Christmas Eve.

It's a holiday; there's nothing happening, but I can't shake the feeling that something is going to. Having this little bit of peace is uneasy because it's so rare.

It's not going to go away. I want to make this a genuine holiday. If that's even possible... let's try, okay?

John- We can talk about your after school "sentence" after the holiday.. I'm not sure if that's going to impact things. We'll try and keep that to a minimum.

We have a Christmas tree, by the way. It's small.. we don't have a stand for a larger one. But if anyone wants to find some lights..

S.

I woke up early this morning. I couldn't sleep... something restless in my mind, that's not unusual.

I did the dishes - you know, I cleaned in the kitchen. It was quiet, almost could have passed for peaceful if it wasn't for everything I know is lingering, always lingering. When I put away the dishes, I couldn't remember where they went. And I realized that here, I don't have a "system" for them, a place for everything. It's funny to think about, something that passes mention, but it's another way our lives have changed. Before... when I was younger, when John was, when I could still pretend solemnly that I could claim any part of my life as normal, I kept track of things. Plates, bowls, cups, cutlery. Where it all went. It was organized, compulsively. I fell out of the habit when we stopped being able to stay in one place for more than a few weeks. When we stopped keeping the same cooking things, the same cups and plates.

We've been here, in this house, for more than two months, and I haven't organized the kitchen yet. I wonder if that says more about me, our lives, or the kitchen. Probably it isn't the kitchen's fault.

I'll work on that. There's a lot that I have to work on. Things related to the future, mostly, related to a future I'm not sure I'll see, but which I'd like to. Things related to the present, where I am now. Where we are now. Where the sole redemption of the entire ordeal is that he is alive, and here we have a fighting chance. To stay that way. To stay this way.

There's a list of names we have to look into, a lot of work to be done. Right now, it's quiet; soon, it won't be. I know that. But I enjoy the quiet while it exists.

Soon, the sun will rise - late, for the time of year - and the normal routine of the day will take over. More finding, information-gathering, cleaning guns, and steeling ourselves for all the inevitabilities of this life.

Yeah, sometimes I guess we all wish we could have a day off.

S.